My Angel's Of Mercy

Yesterday I headed out minus the toddler to a friend's house. I handed my daughter off to the Angels of Mercy as soon as I walked in the door and spent the next 1 1/2 hours watching them hold her, and coo over her. I sat and watched from afar. It was a wonderful gift to have others taking care of her for me even if I was in the same room. I had a cup of tea, a glass of water, some tomato, basil and cheese, and chowed down on some fennel seeds (a recommendation from a mom, a retired nurse who insisted that it would help my daughter's colic), which were totally gross after the initial pinch I tossed in my mouth and crunched until they were a fine, woodsy, licorice tasting mess in my mouth and then swallowed them with my difficulty but hey who am I to argue. If it worked I would eat with a smile on my face the crud that gathers in the drain of my kitchen sink by days end.

I had told my husband I would leave at 3:30 pm; so while watching the hands of the long arm of the clock moving defiantly towards the number 6 I started to get anxious. I had to literally tear myself away to go home to the husband and toddler who was still napping at 4:15 pm. This tells me that my husband had his own vacation yesterday. I guess all in all everyone benefited except for the toddler who missed out on playing with the 5 kids who were at my friend's house. Oh well, next Wednesday. The ladies get together every Wednesday and we have been kindly added. Thank God!

Rainy Day Blues + 1 Toddler and 1 Newborn

I am so friggin tired today. We lost power last night so I was not able to get to sleep as early as I had hoped (9:00 pm). Some stupid drunk must have hit a pole (again) because the power went off and on very rapidly about 20 times before my husband ran up from the garage shouting for me to shut everything off. He feared the burning out of our major stress relievers; you know the television, computers, phones, VCR's, DVD players, central air, etc. Never mind that I have 2 months of pumped breast milk in the freezer; but did we worry about shutting that off? So we ran around shutting things, pulling plugs, and flipping the switch on power strips. After putting glow sticks in most of the rooms I headed off to bed (it was now 10:30 pm.) My daughter woke me to eat at 2:00 am we went back to bed at 3:00 am and then she woke me about 4:40 and we never went back to sleep. My son woke at 5:45 am and my daughter went to sleep at 6:30 am. She was up just long enough to make sure there was no chance of me getting any more sleep. Here it is 9:15 am and she is still sleeping. God makes them cute so you don't kill them!

My son is watching his second Wiggle tape and I am trying to put my second cup of coffee down my gullet. Here I sit bleary eyed looking at the computer screen, feeling like I have the flu because my body is so tired it hurts. Why did I wait until I was in my late 30's to have kids? I could sleep for three days straight right now but would settle for 4 consecutive hours of rest.

I am hoping to get the little man down for a nap in 2 hours at which time of course my daughter will wake up to eat and then decide to be awake just long enough for the little man to wake up until bed time. Ahhh don't be jealous, it can happen for you too. Just pump out 2-3 kids and see for yourself. Come on join me there's nothing like it.

After all is said and done all it takes is for my son to come over for an unsolicited hug or my daughter to shine upon me her big, toothless, gummy grin and I am in Mommy Heaven! 

Tom Cruise - Lobotomy or love?

TOM GOES MAD ON OPRAH, NO HE IS JUST PROFESSING HIS LOVE FOR THE VIRGINAL KATIE HOLMES
I have been reading so much about Tom Cruise that I figured I would chime in. What is up with Tom? Is he so madly, deeply, completely, you had me at hello in love that he has lost his ever loving mind? I always thought he was a little odd but oh lordy he is one moment away from drooling in the corner. It really is unfair because I; like everyone else who has been tearing him apart do not know this man but I do know that he perhaps has had one too many trips to the Scientology Lab. What are they doing at these Scientology Centers, shock therapy and lobotomies? If Tom and Katie are truly in love then I wish them all the luck in the world but if true love makes me that crazy I'll settle for true like.

Where the hell is that light at the end of the tunnel everyone talks about????

Oh my God! What a day! I spent the day dealing with my colicky daughter's screams. I actually thought I would lose it. I felt like taking my daughters legs and slamming her as hard as I could against the wall. When I said this to the doctor and laughed he laughed then got serious saying "You don't really feel like that do you?"  I told him NO I have to joke about it. She cries 18 hours a day.


Don't misunderstand me. I love her from the core of my being, but listening to her scream for about 7 hours today was more than I could handle. I called friends and family trying to find someone who could talk me down before finally calling the person I should call in the first place; my husband. As most 0of you know husbands are sometimes good for nothing. Hence the need for really good friends!

I started the conversation by telling him to say something smart! I cried and told him that I hated her and that I wanted to slam her against the wall. He said, "Now you're talking". Agghhh! Why did I bother calling?!

I told him not to encourage me and that it wasn't funny. I know that he was trying to be funny but I already had enough guilt from feeling the way I did about her. I love her and didn't want to make jokes about hurting her. His suggestion is always put her in a room and close the door. She is only going on 10 weeks old so that is so not an option. I have tried it and the longer she is allowed to cry the harder it is for her to calm down.

It is by the grace of God that I have enough sense to know when to step away from her and that what I am feeling is totally normal. I am not going to beat myself up for the feelings I had today. We are not responsible for our thoughts, but we are responsible for our actions. My daughter's colic will end and peace will settle on the household once more. Hopefully we all get there in one piece. Agghhh!!!!!!!!!

HOW DO YOU GET MAD AT THIS FACE?

Update 2/24/18 - I am waiting for this now 12 year old baby to get out of an art class and have an hour so I started reading old posts. This girl was a difficult baby. She cried A LOT and I had a toddler who threw terrible tantrums. I was alone all the time and it was hard. 

If I could talk to my 13 year ago self I would tell her that she needs to get out alone. That she needs to go off when her husband gets home and not feel guilty. That she is entitled to have some time to herself to unwind and decompress even if that meant leaving the house when he got home and having them all figure it out together. She felt guilty that he wouldn't spend enough time with them. That they would cry the whole time she was gone and that they would feel alone. Now, I know that they would have figured it out. That my husband would have had to stand up and do it. That the kids would have been okay even if that meant they cried the whole time. 

Do You Hear Me Sista?!

I can't remember being this bone tired ever in my life even when I was working 9-5 and working a second job from 6:30-2:30 a.m.

Today my daughter cried for about 5 hours and my son cried for about 2 hours. My husband comes in and I start to explain that I was exhausted and that the kids both were making me crazy. He said, "Oh you can handle it." Is he crazy? I really can't handle it. No one in their right mind would be able to handle it. He could never do what I do even for a day.

He started telling me to go to work and he would stay with the kids. Right! Sure! I tried to get him to hold my daughter (she is 10 weeks old) for 5 minutes the other night so that I could eat but he told her to be quiet within the first minute and a half. So I strapped on the Baby Bjorn and tried to shove my sandwich down my throat without getting crumbs in the baby's hair.

Lately I feel like I do not have even a second for myself. I am on Mommy duty from the moment I get up until the moment my weary head hits the pillow for the 3 hours of broken sleep I am going to get for the night.

What I hate more than anything these days is the utter lack of respect my husband shows me these days. I have tiny pearls of quiet in between the moments my colicky baby lets me put her down and my son is not clinging to my legs, I do not want to waste those precious moments picking up my husband's dirty socks, washing his dirty dishes, throwing out is junk mail that ends up piled on the dining room table or cleaning up the stove and counter after he makes himself lunch or dinner. God dammit man I demand respect and if you are not going to clean up after yourself, at least acknowledge that what I do requires work; besides patience, love, energy, sensitivity, humor, dedication and unselfishness. He makes me feel like he thinks I am on vacation.  

Validate me MAN!

UPDATE: 2/24/18 - Rereading this 13 years after the fact I would handle this differently. I was so afraid to say anything at the time. I didn't want to ruffle feathers and mostly I felt guilty that I was home and he was working and the only one making money. I took a back seat to everything.

My husband needed me to stand up and say "we decided together that I would stay home and I need you to help me when you get back from work. I need a break."

I had a tremendous feeling of guilt in the fact that he had to go out of the house, deal with driving, people, work and then come home to babies. I made a conscious effort to always have the house clean when he got home. Always had the toys cleaned up, the babies washed and relaxed because a felt this should be his safe, homey place from the big bad world. 

Maybe if I had demanded more he would have given more. I didn't want to make demands and expected him to just know to do things differently. People treat you the way you allow them to. 

I didn't have any family or friends around. He was all I had. I needed more and he didn't know to give it. 

If you take anything from this young moms, never expect your husband or boyfriend to just know what you need. They need you to tell them. They may not be able to give you what you need and that is a whole other situation but if you don't ask you won't know. 

 

Mother's Day 2005

Mother's Day - my favorite day of the year 

A Mother's Love

• Seeing my two children together makes my heart smile. It is crazy how much love you can feel for someone. I thought I knew love until I had my babies. I love them from the top of their head to their sweet, smelly toes. They are my heart on legs. I would die for them but oh my God, why didn't anyone tell me how much work it would be to have two so close together. They are 23 months apart (2 years old and 2 months old). My mom did it with two who were 11 months apart. She died at 34 years old! I am sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that at her 4 week check up after having me she was pregnant but it makes you think. Crazy women!
  
  I love my kids despite the following:
  - my toddler fights me on everything and anything(hello who with a toddler will deny this?)
  - my daughter cries constantly (if she was first she would be an only child)
  - my son wants me to sing, no wait he wants me to sing, no don't sing (make up your mind kid)
  - my daughter constantly leaks through her very expensive diapers onto her beautiful clothes right after I have changed her.
  - my son wants to color, no color, yes, no, yes...you get the picture
  - etc, etc, etc.

In spite of the exhaustion and frustration that I feel on a daily basis, I would not trade being a mom for anything in the world.

For the first time in my life I feel like I have a purpose. I was put her to be a mommy to Jesse and to Skye. I hope they are patient with me as I try to find the new normal that will work for our family.

My Angel Babies

My babies, make getting by on 2-5 hours sleep possible.

Confused

Damn this stuff is too confusing for a brain that has only had about 2 1/2 - 4 1/2 hours of broken sleep each night since giving birth 2 months ago. I am confused with all of the HTML stuff. Hopefully I will eventually figure it all out or this will be a very boring site. Wish me luck!

My 1st Post

I am not sure if I did something wrong but I really just wanted to respond to a friend's blog. I was told to sign up to which I did. I guess starting my own could be fun too. Hell, I keep up with two kids journals, and two kid baby books so why not write for myself too? Right now I am sitting on the couch, both kids are finally asleep for the moment; my husband is watching Black Hawk Down for the 20th time and I was going to just find something to read online. But, here I sit writing about nothing which is what most bloggers do anyway. Why anyone would be interested in reading this is beyond me but whatever. I could have ended this like 5 sentences ago yet, I keep on chugging with really nothing to say. Well, actually I have tons to say but I am too damn tired to get into it right now so I guess I will sign off with a promise to myself to keep on blogging. Later!