Today is April 8th. April 8th is the same and different for me every year. Sometimes it is just a normal melancholy day and other times it is 1978 or oddly enough 1991. You see, today my mother is dead 28 years and my grandmother (father's mother) 15 years. If that is not strange enough; my mother and my grandmother not only share a death date but..they share a birth date. Double whammy. Mom died when I was 11 It was scary, hard, lonely, weird, and sad. I think about everything I went through as a 11year old with a dying mother and feel so bad for my 11year old self. I wish I could just hold my little 11year old self and tell her that everything is going to be OK.
I wish I knew more about my Mom. I am constantly making sure that I leave my little ones a legacy. I want them to know who I am. I spent so many years trying to gather information on my mom. I wanted to speak to people who knew her. Not as a daughter, a sister, a wife but as a women. I would give anything to sit and talk with Diane the women, not my mother! I would also love to know what she thinks of who I am now! Is she proud of who I have become? Does she think I am a good mom? A good person? A good women! It is so weird to think that this year I will be turning 40 in August. My mother never reached 34. I will forever be older than my mother. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to have three daughters, an 11 year old, a 10 year old and an 8 year old and then be told that you are terminally ill and would leave them.
After mom died we eventually moved in with my Grandmother. Grandma was a frail, scared women. She was caring and funny but so scared of everything. She had bulimia her whole life and I believe that she knew that my grandfather was molesting me. I remember her walking in one time and walking right back out. I don't hold it against her I think that she was to scared to do anything about it. She took in me and my two sisters and did the best that she could. When I was told that she was gone I remember sinking to the floor and crying my eyes out. Why! Two important women in my life gone forever.
I hope that I have done them both proud. I hope they knew that I think of them everyday and that I am so sad that my babies will never get to know them. I wish I could call my mother whenever Handsome does something cute or call her and say I need a break could you please come hold Goddess for a while she is driving me crazy. (BTW here she comes now crying at my feet - God help me).
Mommy and Grandma you are the spirit in me! I love and miss you!
oh wow you have quite the story! I can't imagine what you went through, very tragic and traumatic. I think these blogs are a wonderful way to leave memories of our kids....like have you tried lately to write with a pen and paper???? my hand cramps!!! and it is a great way to meet other people and gain a bigger support section!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support. So long ago that it sometimes seems like a lifetime. I have been trying to keep copies of my entries so that I can eventually make them each books. I also do books for each (only with milestones) called Love Letters to Jesse/Skye love Mommy. I started each at the hospital after they were born. I keep a journal for each one and I am trying so hard to keep with the scrapbooks. That one has fallen by the wayside. So glad you took the time to read my words. Thanks for checking me out.
ReplyDeleteI used to sell "creative memories" and I feel so bad how unkept up they are....like really really behind.....I actually even am slower to take as many pic's as I used too because I feel guilty about not scrapbooking them...kind of took the joy out of it for me...and I was bad at writing stuff down so....I am hoping that next year when I just have Faith at home and the other 3 in school I will make the time....that is my wish anyways!! I certainly have enough $$ invested in the stuff! and I really want to give them each their own albulm.
ReplyDeleteI do need to get a photo printer too, cuz now that I am digital all my pic's are on my puter too!!
ok now I feel overwhelmed with it all.....yeesh!! am I rambling???
Lala...there is only so many hours in a day, don't be so hard on yourself. You should check out Clark Photos online. You can get .9 a print if you pre-order a certain amount. I used to print all my pic with a photo printer and I must say this is much quicker and cheaper.
ReplyDeleteoh that sounds great thanks for the tip!!
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