Mother, I Long To Know You!

Over at Head or Tails, they give to words to chose from, one of the words is Mother.

One of my favorite posts was one I wrote two years ago about my Mother.

Today is April 8th. April 8th is the same and different for me every year. Sometimes it is just a normal melancholy day and othertimes it is 1978 or oddly enough 1991.

You see, today my mother is dead 28 years and my grandmother (father's mother) 15 years. If that is not strange enough; my mother and my grandmother not only share a death date but..they share a birthdate. Double whammy. Mom died when I was 11 It was scary, hard, lonely, weird, and sad. I think about everything I went through as a 11year old with a dying mother and feel so bad for my 11year old self. I wish I could just hold my little 11year old self and tell her that everything is going to be ok.

I wish I knew more about my Mom. I am constantly making sure that I leave my little ones a legacy. I want them to know who I am. I spent so many years trying to gather information on my mom. I wanted to speak to people who knew her. Not as a daughter, a sister, a wife but as a women. I would give anything to sit and talk with Diane the women, not my mother!

I would also love to know what she thinks of who I am now! Is she proud of who I have become? Does she think I am a good mom? A good person? A good women! It is so weird to think that this year I will be turning 40 in August. My mother never reached 34. I will forever be older than my mother.

I cannot imagine what it would have been like to have three daughters, an 11 year old, a 10 year old and an 8 year old and then be told that you are terminally ill and would leave them.

After mom died we eventually moved in with my Grandmother. Grandma was a frail, scared women. She was caring and funny but so scared of everything.

She had bulemia her whole life and I believe that she knew that my grandfather was molesting me. I remember her walking in one time and walking right back out. I don't hold it against her I think that she was to scared to do anything about it.

She took in me and my two sisters and did the best that she could. When I was told that she was gone I remember sinking to the floor and crying my eyes out. Why! Two important women in my life gone forever.

I hope that I have done them both proud. I hope they knew that I think of them everyday and that I am so sad that my babies will never get to know them. I wish I could call my mother whenever my son does something cute or call her and say I need a break could you please come hold the baby for a while she is driving me crazy. (btw here she comes now crying at my feet - God help me).

The next post about my mom was written last Easter April 8, 2007.

Mommy and Grandma you are the spirit in me! I love and miss you!

I was 12 when she passed away from Cancer. It is amazing how the lose of such an integral part of your core makes life so complicated.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not affected by the loss of my mother.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder how my life would have turned out had she not died.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish that my children were able to feel her arms around them to see her joy in knowing and loving them.

There will never be a day that I don’t miss her with every single fiber in my soul.

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face wishing I could feel her, hear her, smell her, touch her once again I am so thankful for everything that is my life but I can’t help but wonder why.

Why, she was taken from me. Why she had to suffer. Why I had to see so much. Why my babies will never know their grandmother.

Last year I wrote about my mom and my grandmother and how they share the same birth and death date.

I believe that everything happens for a reason however I would love to know the reason.

I have always felt that the reason for them to have the same dates was to prove to me and anyone who cared to believe that there was something bigger than all of us. Fate? Maybe. Coincidence? Maybe.

Last years post with more detail can be found here.

The love I feel for these two pivotal people in my life is still as strong as the last time we drew breath together.

I love and miss you Mommy and Grandma and I think and pray for you every night.