Growing up life was always stressful. Stress is something I have always dealt with and here I am almost 48 and just when I think it can't possibly be worse it is.
Being molested at 7-14 by my grandfather was stressful, horrible and made me grow up way too fast.
Mommy dying from Cancer when I was 12 was stressful, horrific, painful and made me grow up way too fast.
Daddy leaving because he needed to live HIS life when I was 13 was stressful, unforgivable and made me grow up way too fast.
Moving out of my grandparents house on the day I graduated high school to live away from the molester was stressful, scary and made me grow up way too fast.
So, with all that stress you would think I would be a master at dealing with the situations life throws at me from time to time.
Wrong, I am stressed, sad, pained, alone and feel like a scared little girl all the time these days.
While I have always been a rational person and can figure out all the things that led me to this point in my life it doesn't make the stress factor any less stressful. Eventually I will dust myself off again and join the land of the living instead of this pathetic half life where I live in fear and uncertainty. I will stand up tall and say Fuck It I have been through far worse but until then my heart, mind and soul need to hibernate and heal.
We all have moments in our life that feel like a punch in the gut when you are bloody and black and blue from living and hopefully we all still go through the motions of acting like everything is OK. On the outside, everything IS OK. Most would not even know I am in complete stress mode. Fake it till you make it but sometimes, I just can't. Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need to pull myself into a tight cocoon and hopefully when I reemerge I will be stronger and better then ever!!!!
At least I am praying for that.
How do you make sure that you are still being a good mommy when life has sucker punched you?
I always told my daughter that you don't know who really are or how tough you can be until life gets challenging. But its OK because it makes you appreciate the calm good times even more. I have no answers really and anyone who has suffered the traumas that you have will always carry that, but that you got to be a Mom is a tribute and you protect your children from harm and feel proud because of it... Michelle
ReplyDeleteThanks Michelle. I really appreciate your kind words and taking the time from your day to write. Parenting my babies is truly my favorite thing in the world. I love them so much and they truly make everything bearable.
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