Feeling Overwhelmed

I have felt like there is too much on my plate lately.

Just two months ago I made a list of places I wanted to go this summer since I had put in to reduce my work hours to just Tuesday through Thursday like I have done for the past three Summers. When the kids were small I took the summer off but COVID happened and I needed to get back to work because of the limited staff. The days off would be hard on my paycheck but they only equated to 17 total days and I was going to be pet sitting so figured the kids and I could do things on one of those days and the other day my daughter and I (son if he wanted to) could visit some of the Google map list of places to go. Yeah...none of that happened.  Pet sitting, meetings, doctor appointments, kid's work schedule, ideas for the class on the days I was working, etc., changed all that.

We did hit the mall three times as my son reminded me today. We did go out to lunch a few times with friends and I think one of those days I was lazy and hung around the house but mostly we were on the go!

I have two weddings, a new class to acclimate to, Halloween, pet sitting, a meeting for my son,  Thanksgiving, a trip to Disney and Christmas to think about and that all starts happening in the next few days. 

Somehow I was under the impression that I would be doing way less at this point in my life. 57 and in 10 years God willing 67. SO what do I have maybe 10 more decent years?!  Wow! That seems so horrifying. 

My husband feels none of this stress. He works then does yard work. The vacation was also booked by him leaving just paying for it as the only stress. I cannot imagine feeling zero stress on a day to day. 

Thankfully I know how to calm my own concerns. I keep everything on a calendar so I can remind myself of anything coming up. I journal so this relaxes my brain and my heart rate is on the low end. Is that good?! I don't even know. 

Do I really feel like I need to ask for permission to relax as a friend mentioned this morning? I don't know if that is me. It's my own fault that I feel stress over the above. Weddings sound fun for some. Dressing up and spending money is a stress for me. Sitting and trying to chat with my husband for a few hours should be good right!? I hope it is. I want it to be but we don't talk much. He likes things quiet so I tend to be quiet. Last night I allowed myself to be a little of my old self. I was chatting with my daughter in the car while we passed a very dark park. Teenagers in the park were laughing and one of them screamed a blood curdling scream. I was talking and without missing a beat, screamed right back. It was a long, loud, blood curdling scream then went back to talking. My daughter started laughing, touched my arm and said "I love you Mom!" she thought it was hysterical. I love that she found joy in it and I found myself loving that I had felt free enough to just scream with the kids. It is okay to be just me but I wish that I felt more "me" with others beside my daughter. Why do I hold back? I use to shine. I use to be okay and capable of handling a few stressers without feeling overwhelmed. 

Maybe one day...well one day has to be right now. I deserve to be around others and situations that bring out the softness, fun, shiny side, not the survival side. It is okay for others to not be okay with what I do or say. It is not okay for me to squash my feelings down because someone may be uncomfortable with what I do or say. 

Time for change has to start now.