Friends or Mentors? Why Kids Need Boundaries, Not Buddies”

Ugh!!! I am exhausted. I have a few part time jobs and one is occasionally in a school district during lunch and recess. This is not my first rodeo and being a mom, lunch monitor a few years ago preschool teacher and now again a monitor I deal with ages 3-22 so to put it bluntely, I know a lot about kids.

Over the past 11 years I see a huge shift in boundaries, discipline and structure. 

Personally I think there’s a strong case to be made that kids do need adults to create boundaries and structure in a teaching manner that will help them learn and grow as well as become productive adults. 

Kids thrive when they know where the lines are as it gives them a sense of security and helps them figure out how to navigate the world but without clear limits, they can feel lost or end up testing everything just to see what holds up, which can lead to chaos for them and everyone around them! Which is what I see every day. 

Structure doesn’t mean suffocating them; it’s more like giving them a guideline or map so they can explore without getting totally derailed.

How have we gotten so far away from teaching children the importance of respect, for themselves and others?

You see a lot of trends like overly permissive or passive parenting who believe or follow the idea that kids should just “figure it out” with minimal guidance which can leave structure on the back burner. Screens and tech don’t help either; they’re like boundary dissolving machines if left unchecked. On the flip side, some argue too much structure can stifle creativity or independence, and there’s truth there too. It’s a balance, right? Isn’t everything a balance? Too rigid, and they’re robots; too loose, and it’s “Lord of the Flies”.

I was talking to the principal today and told him what I see is that everyone who works here wants to be buddies with the kids and it is a fine line and a balance act you need to walk to be both friends but also respected by the kids.  When adults prioritize being buddies over being guides, it can leave kids without the anchor they need especially if they’re not getting structure at home either. Schools are often the one place where kids can count on some consistency, so if that’s replaced with a “let’s be pals” vibe, it’s like pulling the rug out from under them. Kids might like it in the moment because come on who doesn’t want a friend? but long-term, it can leave them floundering, unsure of what’s expected or how to handle real limits when they hit them later in life and as an educator and a mom I think about the future not the right now.

It’s tricky, though. I get why adults might lean that way wanting to connect, be relatable, maybe even avoid conflict. But there’s a difference between building rapport and just caving to a popularity contest. Kids need and respect adults who can model authority with fairness, not just blend into the crowd.

I hope things shift in the direction needed for healthy, happy kids who understand authority and strive to be the best future adults they can be! 

It takes a village but right now the kids seem to have the control and the adults need to take a long hard look at where we are failing them.